I cant trust my boyfriend

2022.01.26 09:25 MushroomUpstairs2445 I cant trust my boyfriend

OK, so I'm 30f he's 35m called Tom. Been together coming up 2 year. We were good friends for quite a while, went on midnight missions to Manchester for dogs, walks, bike rides, random stuff like that, always got on really well, he fancied me and I knew it, I didn't find him attractive and the more he tried the more I back off and ended up ghosting him for about a month. I introduced him to my biking female friend before that to try get him interested in her so we would just be friends. I started seeing someone we will call Derek, it didn't last long, he said something I thought was controlling so bailed (turns out in his next relationship he was an absolute controlling psycho! Nice spot of the red flag for me tho) like a week after I I stopped seeing Derek, Tom starts messahjng me asking to hang out ect. We went for a few walks and he wasn't so pushy. He helped me fix my wingmirror when it got knocked off, we messaged a bit but seemed like just friends so I felt better. Couple weeks later one of my dogs bit my hand, it got badly infected within a couple hours that I needed to go to the hospital, I sent him a snap cos it was cool and said off to hospital and he said he'd drive me as he was off work. Cool. He drove me in my car. On the way back we stopped at burger kind and got food, we talked. He asked me advice on his ex who messed him about and said she was frying his head, one min she wanted him the next she didn't. So I said he deserves someone who is always sure about him. Anyway back to mine, he said he'd stay and look after me and help with the dogs as I couldn't use my right hand. We watched a film, and ended up sleeping together. He stayed every day the next week, we did loads, had a great week as he was off and so was I with my hand. It was fun. The weekend I had a canicross race so I went to my mams for the weekend, he went home. We had planned he come back on Sunday eve and we get food. Sunday comes he is too busy getting ready for work (later to find out he slept with some randomers in the pub Saturday night) I find out Monday morning and text him, why didn't you just tell me? He goes mental, saying I'm not his girlfriend. And I'm like yeh I know, but might have been a nice thing to let me know where I stood ect. Anyways all day of arguing over text he asked me to meet him to talk. We talk, I tell him I understand it was a drunken thing, we weren't together we hadn't spoken about what we were. He says he likes me and he'll never do anything again to get between us. I forgave him. Fast forward a month, he's got a job at a cafe near my house, he's currently living in shared accommodation in town, I said he can stay at mine and pay half the rent, helps me helps him, besides, he was at mine nearly every day. He gets the job. Things are good. He says he wants to go to his friends in town that he hasn't seen in ages, I drop him off without a single care, he messages me later on asking how I am ect, that his friend is asking why I'm not officially his girlfriend yet. Next morning I take him breakfast to his house (he still had the room but was living at mine, just his bed was there until his notice ran out) he asked me to be his girlfriend. But we can't put it on Facebook until I meet his mother. No big deal, I hate public stuff. Week later, he's invited to his friends in town for pizza, I drop him off, with the plan I pick him up later on.. Later on he says he has to nip to work for something, his friend will take him, ill pick him up from there. That's fine. Few weeks later we went biking. I get a message off some girl asking if I'm with Tom, I joked saying like physically or...? She said she's pregnant with his baby.. So I'm like oh, but he's told me she's psychotic. So I don't beleive her at first. We drive home, I ask her to prove what she claims, she sends me screenshots of messages he's sent her all this time, how he loves her, it's her, it's always her, he wants her. He's just stressed with work. Like proper cringy stuff haha. So yeh we have a bit of a fall out. He's lied to me, I find the times I dropped him at his friend's, I was dropping him at his exs. He planned it. Sat on my couch he decided he wanted to go to hers. She wasn't best pleased with him, very angry, so that's them finished, I gave her the TV he had that was hers back. Then she goes all missing him wanting him back like an idiot. Like I can talk, the man's still in my house cos I'm too nice to throw him out. So we fast forward a year, yes I know. I'm an idiot. I don't know why he's still here. Maybe it was acceptable behavior, maybe I am also psychotic. I'm not happy. I'm stressed. I'm hurt. I replay the messages he sent to her over and over in my head, I replay him telling me he was going to his friends. How I didn't see anything. How I was so stupid and trusting. How did i see Derek's red flag and not this gigantic one. He can say or do something and it triggers it replaying in my head. I see photos on Facebook that remind me. I drive to work and see his old house and it starts. So it gets worse! Much worse.. After a while of being an idiot and thinking things might get better. He said time will heal after all. And apparently I'm pretty easy to manipulate, we move house, to a house I cannot afford alone. So I'm trapped, I can't kick him out. As bad as it gets i can't afford this place alone, and I can't make my dogs homeless, we need him to live. I'm OK most days until I'm triggered. We do have fun, we do have a lot in common and we go off on adventures. I'm not in love with him, no way. I see him as a friend I hang out with all the time. But then when I get upset and start replaying it and thinking he has a go at me and says it was over a year ago. He's not going to do it again ect. But he has all the know how if getting away with it now. He had a job about 6 months ago at a different cafe, I went to pit wash to help out. He's a chef btw. So we in the kitchen and my mam texts me asking if I'm OK she hadn't heard from me, and my phone dies. My mam doesn't need stress so I say to Tom, can I borrow your phone to text my mam as she'll worry. He says yes, but deletes a few things first, before passing me his phone, texts, we have the same phone, I know what he was doing. I asked later on why he needed to delete text messages before passing me his phone. He said he wasn't, he was turning his music off... No I know the top corner is the delete button. OK fine, I was deleting messages about sorting a body kit for your car.. With what money exactly? You have this second job cos you make so little and owe me so much..(was about £2500 at one point, it is paid off now) fine it was from child maintenance (I knkw he has a son he never sees but has to pay for) but I know about thays so why hide it.. Still says its that to this day. So I get super suspicious now, he's a liar. I need to find out. I'm cleaning the van out one day and there's a load of paperwork in the door pocket so I look at it to see if it keeping stuff or binning stuff. Most letters to him.. A court letter.. Owing fine for driving offences? He has a licence he told me, he has a car that's still insured in town that's broken but he can't afford to fix so he's legal to drive mine, has been the story. So my licence has just expired and I'd been online, put my details in you can see your driving record, update your licence ect. So he's at work still, so I remember he showed me a photo of his driving licence he sent to his friend. He comes home, I ask about the fines and ask if he still has the photo of the licence to prove it to me. He says he deleted the conversation. So later on, I just message his friend, hey, Tom's accidentally deleted all his chats and needs his driving licence number to renew his licence, can you send it to either me or him please. Send me it. Easy. I have his driving licence number and postcode. Now I need his national insurance number, I have a payslip, but the last letter is missing.. So I pretend to look for mine asks if he's seen it, he's non the wiser. He says why I don't I know it, and recites his. Thanks! The letter was A. So I go on, check driving licence, possibly illegal, but I find he's been banned for 2 years, he could have applied for his licence in November. But instead if telling me and we get him a licence in November, he just keeps driving my car without a licence! So the next day, I message him while he's at work, I say after work everything comes out, be honest and we can start fresh, lie and we over. We meet, do you have a valid UK driving licence? Yes! Really? I said you need to tell me the truth. Yes I have a licence I can legally drive, I just don't know where the card is. LIAR. do not lie to my face like that. Showed him on my phone that he was banned. Oh OK I don't. I was scared to admit it. Nah don't lie to me. Gave him the opportunity and he lied. Again. So anyways he's persuades me he'll change. Recently I've been getting this feeling he's messaging someone again, very secretive of his phone. We fell out 2 nights ago. Up all night arguing. He makes me out to be psychotic, I ask why I'm like that, what was I like when I was dropping you off at your exes? You created this! I was never jealous or insecure. To me an ex is an ex. To me if you are talking to someone or seeing someone, you just see them. Loyalty. Maybe I'm old fashioned. It would feel wrong to have 2 on the go, plus stressful. Can't see how it's fun. So anyways after shouting at me for hours, he then changes and says if I'm triggered I need to tell him and we can sort it. And he won't throw the it was a year ago or get defensive. Last night at about 1am he was asleep, I'm awake, he gets 2 notifications. So this morning I say to him you know how you said to me that I should tell you if I get insecure, you got 2 notifications and it's going to bother me wondering... He picks his phone up and facing away from me reads in and starts shouting and goes into the bathroom with his phone. Some back in and says look it was Thomas. Why the delay? Had I given him reason not to trust me and it had been reversed, I'd have passed him my phone without looking at it, he knows the code and I'd have gone into the bathroom while he checked and reassured himself nothing was going on. So he's shouting at me and saying he can't prove it, it all stems back from that deleted message. Yeah, and the 100 other lies you've told me. All the other messages you've sent to other girls. Jesus christ, he knows, if he has a side chick, so long as he pays half my rent, nothing changes. Why doesn't he just go have his excitement instead of lying to me. I'm not in love with him, I'm not attracted to him.. Just go.. But pay half the rent yeah 😊 I don't know if I want advice or just to get that off my chest. I'm probably a controlling psycho. I'm probably insecure and it's my fault not his. I get that it is my fault and I'm a bad person and deserve it. Or it wouldn't have happened in the first place. We could have had something so good. I but obviously my insecurities got in the way. I want it to be him that's in the wrong so bad, but I feel people will say its me.
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